We’re like a family here!

Dysfunctional Family Dynamics: Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel

Whenever a workplace says “We’re like a family here!” they’re not lying….they are just leaving out the crucial word dysfunctional.

I’ve had the bad luck of almost exclusively working in dysfunctional libraries. Having grown up in an abusive, dysfunctional home, I was always able to recognize toxic workplaces, and after many years of therapy, I was able to name and call out some of the shitty tactics they employed because they’re the exact same ones used in abusive families. And since I am That Person, I would openly talk about what I was seeing and experiencing, helping others realize what was going on, and inevitably I would upset or annoy someone with power and they would do everything they could do drive me out of the organization.

Since their inception, libraries have been dominated by the white middle class (mostly nice white ladies, but the white men are in there, too, like notorious sex pest Melvil Dewey). My white privilege has helped me navigate life, but growing up in rural poverty, I have never fit in to the middle class spaces I’ve found myself in for as long as I can remember. In my workplaces, thanks to my lower income background, history of trauma, and (only recently diagnosed) disability, I’ve never fit in and I’ve always been a target for coworkers and managers who are upset by how I don’t conform to the almost entirely unspoken expectations of nice white lady middle class neurotypical behavior.

Thus, it was incredibly easy to go through that article linked above and mentally replace family with library/organization, parents with managers, etc. You can go do that yourself, if you like–I must warn you it is a depressing and infuriating exercise. Below I’ve shared my versions of some of my favorite (ie, upsetting) parallels. Enjoy, and many thanks to Sharon Martin, LCSW, who wrote the post that inspired this exercise.

Dysfunctional workplaces can be unpredictable, chaotic, and sometimes frightening for employees.

To feel safe, employees need to be able to count on their managers to consistently meet their needs. Employees need adequate work space, proper tools to do their job, psychological safety to bring up and discuss issues, and, of course, adequate compensation.

In dysfunctional workplaces managers don’t fulfill these basic needs. Instead, often one of the employees has to take on these managerial responsibilities at a lower salary and without any real authority (this is closely related to “managing up” and to be honest, if I’m managing my manager, why am I not ALSO a manager, and what is my manager’s manager doing if THEY are not managing my boss?)

Employees need structure, routine, and clear expectations to feel safe. But in dysfunctional workplaces, employee’s needs are neglected. This is harmful to all employees, but can be particularly damaging to neurodivergent staff who particularly thrive with structure and clear expectations.

Employees in dysfunctional workplaces often describe feeling anxious about going to work because they don’t know what they will find.

Employees in dysfunctional organizations often don’t have the time or capacity to notice and attend to their own feelings. Instead, their focus is on noticing and managing the feelings of their managers and coworkers because their psychological safety often depends on it. This can lead to an enmeshed team dynamic.

Enmeshed managers may struggle to trust their employees. They may also:

Make decisions for them, often leading to feelings of anger, resentment, and guilt in the employee in the long run. (Micromanagement)
Feel responsible for their employee’s actions and emotions, causing burnout and emotional exhaustion.
See their relationships outside the department deteriorate as a consequence of continually focusing on their employees.

The Rules of Dysfunctional Organizations

Just like alcoholic/dysfunctional families, dysfunctional organizations often follow the same three unspoken rules that Claudia Black wrote about in her book It Will Never Happen to Me:

1) Don’t talk.

We don’t talk about our workplace’s problems with each other or with outsiders. This rule is the foundation for the organization’s defense of allowing micro-management, triangulation, discrimination, and ignoring the problems caused by legacy toxicity.

Employees are expected to act like everything is fine so that everyone else thinks they are a perfectly normal department/library/system. For employees who sense that something is wrong, this is incredibly confusing. When no one else will anknowledge the problem, employees often conclude that they are the problem.

2) Don’t trust.

Employees need their managers to create an environment where they can do good work, but when you work in a dysfunctional organization, this doesn’t happen. And without a basic sense of safety, employees feel anxious and have difficulty trusting.

Employees don’t develop a sense of trust and security in dysfunctional organizations because their managers are inconsistent and undependable. They are neglectful, emotionally absent, break promises, and don’t fulfill their responsibilities.

Difficulty trusting others extends outside the organization as well. In addition to the don’t talk mandate, the don’t trust rule keeps the employees isolated and perpetuates the fear that if you ask for help, something bad will happen (you’ll get in trouble, or fired).

Despite how scary and painful your workplace is, it’s the devil you know; you’ve learned how to survive there, and disrupting the organizations by talking to a colleague or might make things worse. So, don’t trust anyone.

3) Don’t feel.

Repressing painful or confusing emotions is a coping strategy used by everyone in a dysfunctional organizations. Employees in dysfunctional organizations witness their managers numbing their feelings with committees, busy work, pet projects, conferences, and technology. Rarely are feelings expressed and dealt with in a healthy way.

Employees quickly learn that trying to express their feelings will at best lead to being ignored and at worst lead to blame, shame, and a performance improvement plan. So, employees also learn to repress their feelings, numb themselves, and try to distract themselves from the pain.

Shame

Shame is pervasive in dysfunctional organizations. It’s the feeling you have when you think there’s something wrong with you, that you’re inferior or unworthy. Shame is the result of organizational secrets and denial and being told you’re bad and deserve to be hurt or neglected.

Employees in dysfunctional organizations often blame themselves for their managers inadequacies or for being mistreated or ignored. “It’s my fault” is the easiest way for them to make sense of why everyone in positions of power seems incapable of emotional intelligence.

After leaving the organization, part of healing is unwinding the feeling of shame and recognizing that our organization’s shortcomings were not our fault and don’t mean were inadequate or unworthy.

If any of the above resonates with you, you’re not alone.

But you need to leave.

You will never change that organization. Believe me, I speak from experience. I tried to make change at every single place I worked. And to be fair to myself, I often had some impact. But not enough to fundamentally change the organization. However, it can and will change YOU, and to undo those changes will take a lot of time and effort.

As Audre Lord told us, our silence will not protect us. It only protects those who harm us. It protects the insecure managers and the misogynist directors, the incompetent and the entitled, and it is unsustainable and insupportable. And those of us with privilege (ahem nice white librarians) need to start speaking up first.

So. Who has a story to tell?

Hi, Miss Julie

We’re like a family here!